I have tried to honestly document my being a bit of a loser in this blog.
Just a bit of one.
A lot of the stuff I look back on makes me laugh, in a genuine way. Maybe clueless is a better description of me.
Cutting my jeans to fit over my boots, and then sewing them back up with green plastic string later because the cuts looked bad. The green plastic swinging around looked great though.
Buying a cheap Zippo knockoff to look cool like the other kids, it spilling everywhere and almost catching my car on fire.
Dressing in solid white (white shoes, white socks, white cargo pants, white t-shirt) when I started TTU because I thought it looked nice. I wore it every single day. When my brother finally told me it did not, in fact, look nice, I went to the mall to get new clothes. I chose a store more appropriate for going to the club in the early 2000s and wore sparkly shirts. They buttoned up though. That made them nice.
As many of you have seen, bleaching my hair and letting the roots come out looked really cool to me in my mind. There are still pictures floating around.
There is a certain power in being a loser though.
People don’t expect much of you, and their expectations don’t really mean as much. The consequences of things not going your way are less threatening and less worrisome because you’re already a loser. You learn that so many of the things they tell you mean a lot, really don’t. You learn that what people think of you really only tells you about them, not about yourself.
I am somewhat grateful that I got a lot of the humiliation out of the way early on too, and that I don’t really have a fear of failure because of it.
I have no business having a fear of failure, I’ve spent a majority of my life being one. It’s like home to me, why be afraid of it? I talk to a lot of people who have a desperate fear of failing, and it paralyzes them.
I don’t have a lot of the worry others have because I know that I know how to work and be broke and have people make fun of me and be embarrassed by something I said or did.
A lot of the things people have made fun of me for have actually given me a good reserve of things I can do, and I don’t have fear of doing them. I meet a lot of people who don’t encounter failure until too late in life, and they shatter. Being a loser creates a certain flexibility in you that allows you to adapt to the things around you.
So it’s not all bad. I still find ways I’m out of step with everything around me, and sometimes it’s embarrassing. One day it might be useful though.