Dying Daily #58: Relentless Positivity

“Do you struggle with things?”

I try to be honest about the things I struggle with, but maybe it gets washed away in my “relentless positivity”.

Still my favorite description so far.

The thing is, this blog is like a highlight reel or a Facebook profile. It is intentional and I cherry pick the things I talk about. Barbara and Tyler could both tell you I struggle with a lot of stuff and that my relentless positivity only goes so far. I am working really hard so that Max doesn’t see this as much someday.

So, struggle.

I struggle with anger.

This has been a longterm thing. I have days where I want to smash things and hit people in the face with a baseball bat. If I am not careful, I can settle into a deep mistrust and hopelessness when it comes to other humans.

I struggle with wanting to just sit and play video games or watch Netflix.

In general, I don’t even turn these on because they sap my desire to do anything else and rob me of my will. I have all sorts of plans, but then hours later I am watching my 10th episode of Parks and Rec or killing my 400th person on GTA.

I struggle with the lack of community I feel, especially in Lubbock.

I grew up in a small town in the mountains, and I have memories of there always being people around, of knowing a bunch of adults and being at different events and gatherings with them. I have a hard time with the primary places of community here, and feel alienated by all of them.

I struggle with being in debt, and have moments of despair as it all seems overwhelming.

I regret listening to doctors sometimes, and I wish I’d put more research into student loans and how they work when I was younger, but that wasn’t who I was at the time.

I really struggle with many things about modern life, and it seems like it’s all accelerating and changing faster every year.

And, in fact, it is. Technology builds on itself, and grows exponentially. I miss a world without cell phones and the internet and where we got to go to the video store to rent movies and there wasn’t so much convenience.

I struggle with living in the desert, where there is very little nature and no mountains.

I get this picture in my head of what it would be like to live somewhere else, and this idealized image makes everything seem better. Because, suddenly I don’t have to work or pay bills and all the days to day tasks are magically taken care of. That’s idealizing for you.

I struggle with how hectic our days are, and with the fact that no matter how much I try to simplify I can’t find places to make cuts.

Work is necessary, as is taking Max to daycare and shopping for food and cooking food and cleaning up after making food and doing laundry and vacuuming the floor and mowing the lawn and returning the modem to AT&T (part of simplifying though) and all of that stuff.

So, no matter how I (unintentionally) present myself in this blog, I do struggle and have days where I am frustrated and overwhelmed. I am not perfect, or even competent many days.

I believe in being positive, but it takes an intentional effort much of the time.

Tomorrow we’ll look at why I believe all this struggle is chosen and not imposed on me though.